about
Who am I?
A small, crying child, recently washed upon the shores of an unknown land by an immensely dark and deep ocean. In this Great Unknown, he now has been given a chance to create his own footsteps in order to become one unique path among thousands of other unique paths, a flower among valleys of flowers with roots veining the dark Earth below. He is driven by forces greater, deeper and older than his superficial mind lead him to believe; forces which cannot be conquered but need to be approached with great humility, respect and gratitude.
The wind is blowing hard on his tearful face now, but by the Grace of God, he will be given a few much-needed seeds of trust to enable him to harvest the courage and endurance necessary to travel this journey of a thousand miles.
The corn is almost ripe. The scent of a thousand scents wrestles with the cold, salty breath of the sea. Trees whisper untold stories of old, tales of ancient heros and struggling gods. Trees, guarding the dark and mysteriously deep sources of Life’s endlessly flowing waters, still divinely sparkling and bubbling with all their playfully light and stubbornly dark hues.
Trees, whom I passionately long for, pray for, grow for, just as they keep longing for me to finally enter the Home I never really left, this verdant forest of genuine Humanity..
Is good to Know that one is not alone.
Thank you for these words.
And that´s for you:
“You will find the secret passage
to that single sacred place
Deep inside your heart
where any end is just a start
And every word and thought
will always count for naught
When below reflects above
and Will unites with Love”
There is a part of me who thought, some years ago, that I should punish myself.
And then things started to happen … To punish myself.
I wanted to run away from that. I wanted to escape from a person who was in my life (a external person) who indeed was agreeing with that thing of myself punishing me. The hardest, the better.
So that person is the espectro I saw in my dreams.
But “that person” that I see, is my most inner shadow. Phantom. Or darkness?
Is within me, no matter how far away countries I may manage to travel. I´m carrying “that” within.
I am carrying within something that wants me to hurt myself so much. To pay. To punish myself.
I am the one who is keeping me here, preventing me to receive any Blessings. There is a part of me who thinks is better to keep me in Hell. Who says: “You do not deserve to feel good. How can you even think about that after all the bad things that you have done? After all the damage you have done?”
…
So you know where I am going.
There is no way out for me. I am my own executioner. To pay for all the things that I have done. For all the hatred I have felt.
I was hurt before, but I never felt any hatred. I simply didn´t feel hatred. When I was hurt for the first time, when I realised that I was beeing hurt, I just got up and went out of there, even if the only choice I had by that time was to jump into the air, with no thing.
But angels were around me and I was a child.
Later, the espectro came into my Life, and started, and started …
And I tried again to jump into the air so to avoid to feel hatred, and despair, and resentment.
…
But this time, no angels came to me because what I was doing was to tempt God instead of Willingly remaining where He wanted to put me.
So I learnt what Hatred was during those years. And resentment, and despair.
But hatred …
And all those shadows that I didn´t know I had.
All those dark feelings.
I am a creator of death and destruction also.
I have also a dark side, and I would prefer not for obvious reasons.
Or I would prefer to retreat myself forever to an isolated place if with that I could avoid the dark side that I have already put out into the world with all the (un)conscious hatred that I have already felt.
That is how I feel. What for am I going to go on Knowing what I Know?
Now is not that … nice to be here … You know …
Of course there is Beauty. And I Know how to Enjoy a Dawn, a Sunset. Or maybe I still do not know.
I am reading slowly what you wrote me the other day. When I read it for the first time, I wanted to say something but, on the other hand I didn´t wanted to spoil what I was feeling with any words. So the only thing I managed to say was “Thank you” in my own language. Thank you surrounded by Silence.
It is going to take me some time, however, to assimilate what you wrote. It is going to take me more than one read. More than one Dawn probably …
“But angels were around me and I was a child”
Angels were around me too later but the results I have had during these years was not the same that when I jumped that time.
I have not been the same so the outcome coudn´t be the same no matter how hard I was trying to recreate (or imitate) the same conditions.
I was jumping because I wanted to have the same result that I Saw when I started to Awaken a few years ago. I was jumping, these years, because I wanted to escape from the espectro and receive something I wanted so badly. Not for me, but for my child.
But a few years ago, around twenty-three or so, the word “result” didn´t exist for me. I was just present in the act of jumping (even if it was scary). Not even the word escaping. Nor happiness, nor sadness. Nothing.
From my position by that time, that was almost like a suicidade. But it was not.
A suicide were the attempts to leave (to escape)that I tried afterwards, while being here.
Hi, nice to meet you !